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Wednesday, 19 July 2017

The Fear Of Wearing A Bikini: How Society Made Me Feel Too Fat And Scared To Wear A Bikini

I've been blogging for a good couple of years now and during that time, my confidence has been improving little by little.I began to start doing lingerie posts to help girls that were struggling to find bra's for larger cups, bra's that offered amazing support and pieces that didn't cost an absolute fortune.These were all done in the comfort of my own home, so being seen by anyone was not an issue.I want to mention that this post was extremely hard for me to write, and it actually took approximately 6days to write because I kept putting it off.This also has chapters of my life which still affect me to this day when it comes to my body and its quite a delicate topic to talk about, especially on a blog.I recommend getting some snacks, drinks and find a cosy place to sit, because this post is quite long and detailed.

The weather over here in the UK recently has surprisingly been very nice, but it got to the point where I was literally melting when I went outside that I needed to do something.I've also recently purchased a small swimming pool that was mainly to help my large dog be able to cool down in the garden and to have a little splash around too.She was unfortunately to scared to get into the pool and I wanted to help her overcome her fear of large water, so I threw on a beach dress that had a bra and undies underneath.I didn't feel too self conscious, because you couldn't really see anything, but that horrible feeling of dread was still in my stomach. 
I ended up having so much fun, but there was still a part of me that wished that I could just go around in a bikini.The next day I had a search through my stuff and couldn't find a bikini anywhere, so I ended up just throwing on two pieces that looked very similar to swimwear and weren't too revealing.
I ended up staying out in the garden longer than expected and although I felt quite self conscious of walking around in it, it felt good at the same time.My weight has been up and down my whole life too, mainly due to being bullied and my anxiety making it difficult to eat sometimes.This ended up causing my body a little stress, so I ended up developing a few stretch marks just to the side of my bum.This was another factor to why I didn't like wearing short shorts or a bikini, because the way the media seem to shame people (mostly women) for having them, make us feel super ugly.I would hate loading up instagram seeing all of these beautiful instagram models post lovely pictures, to find people hating on there stretch marks and gradually those models would edit them out entirely.I've never been one to edit my stretch marks out of pictures and to be honest I have been very close to editing my pictures purely so I wouldn't have to sit there and read the nasty things people leave under your images.I wanted to take the next step which meant I had to embrace my body even more, and that was actually buying either a bikini or a swimming costume.

Before even looking, I worked out it was approximately 4-5years or maybe longer that I've even worn swimwear outside, purely because I was terrified too.I was so used to receiving so many nasty comments during teenage years and mostly during school on my appearance, that I expected it to carry on still.I sat down and spent hours going through different designs, imagining myself in each one and closing the tab because the thought of my fat self wearing it made me feel sick.I eventually went back to one which I've wanted for a long time, but I felt like I didn't have the right body shape or figure to pull it off.Its quite daring too and I felt that this was probably the best choice to go for, to challenge myself.I had one day to prepare myself for it, so I made sure my skin was super smooth, not a single hair on my body (my preference) and tried to not talk myself out of it or cancelling the order.

The day arrived where my bikini came in beautiful packaging via Amazon and when I took it out of the bag, my heart dropped.My head went straight to the negative thoughts first thinking "I'm too fat, its not going to fit" "I'm going to look massive" "How is this a Large?".My thought process then changed to how pretty it was in person and the picture on the website did not do it justice.The lace embroidered roses were beautifully detailed, with them being reasonably sized to cover any nip slips.The top part of the swimsuit which is mesh,  a soft material which didn't cause any irritation when wearing it, which I was worried about.The bottom part of the bikini isn't thick or too thin, it covered everything perfectly and felt extremely comfortable.Pulling up the swimsuit, it began to fit snug to my figure, but the hardest part was yet to come.My mum helped me tie it up at the back as its a halter neck and normally I'm not a fan of halter necks, but the string is super soft on the skin.The real challenge now was going outside, with people and buses going past with me in full view of wearing this.It sounds a little dramatic I know, but please remember at this point, I was extremely terrified.
This is what the swimsuit looks like and at first I honestly couldn't even take a picture properly.I kept moving my hands across my stomach to cover the fat bits and stood extremely awkward.After about 5minutes, I began to calm down a little and kept telling myself that its ok and to focus.I think what made it worse for me too, is that my camera captures photos and videos in 4K, and although some of the quality is lost when uploading on here, it still picks up EVERY detail and flaw.I didn't want to pose too much, as that isn't what I was about.I just wanted to get a few nice images of the swimsuit and help other girls realise that it really isn't all that bad.
Since having the swimsuit which is 6days since writing this blog post, I've been even more confident of going outside and heading to the beach to wear this.I decided to even style it with my scuba skirt to just wear it in the garden if I'm not feeling like having my bum on show that day.I've been more relaxed when getting into the pool, so much that me and my dog roxi ended up napping outside whilst it was still filling up (picture below).

I'm so sorry that this post was incredibly long, but I wanted to get the point across that you shouldn't let society or bullies dictate on what you can and can't do.I think all body types are beautiful and even if you're not happy with yours, their will always be someone who will look at you thinking you have the perfect body.What you may think is a flaw to you, is perfect in someone else's eyes.I still maybe at war with my body on most days, but I'm still taking each step to embrace it.

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